There are very few women who have marked my life, but I’m not ashamed to say that Miss Piggy is one of them. It’s the way she throws her blond locks over her shoulders that gets me. Together with her penciled-in eyelashes, Miss Piggy is the living proof that women don’t have to wear tons of make-up to be beautiful.
The good news is, she’s back in business.
It all reminds me of time gone by, a distant past when I was a struggling dental student and couldn’t wait for the end each day to sit in the comfort of our student common room and watch Kermit get framed again by a blonde pig who could nearly fly. As long as he could stay far away from the liquidizer and the oven, Kermit was safe enough not to tell Miss Piggy that he had a secret crush on her – just like me.
Back in my student days, most men my age had a choice of heroine, a tight call between Margaret Thatcher who insisted on making Karl Marx look like an overgrown midget, and TV presenter Esther Rantzen, defender of the people, whose triple row of teeth reminded me too much that I had to be back on the 23rd floor of Guy’s Hospital, the next day. La Cicciolina hadn’t been invented yet – in politics at least. It was a straightforward decision. Miss Piggy inundated the delicate plasma screen week after week with the class of a lady who would not let herself be intimidated by anyone other than a frog. She had a kung fu move that could slice through the chestnuts of any macho man at ten paces.
Miss Piggy showed me that a woman’s intention with love is always sincere, her feelings pure, and that men are mugs in thinking weddings are just for fun. “Are you sure this is going to be funny?” Kermit worryingly said as Miss Piggy, dressed whiter than white, towered over him in front of the alter. She had even hired a vicar from Rentokil to do the business.
In today’s world, I’m sure that Miss Piggy is stronger than ever. She cannot be otherwise, spurred on that she is, by world-wide feminists who always take “no” as an answer to a non-existent question and sue you, a #MeToo movement that has defined the act of talking to women as “off limits”, and even macho princes risking a suspended prison sentence for giving underage girls a lollypop before bedtime. She will have stronger biceps than she’s ever had, making her Japanese karate chops even deadlier. No need for the liquidizer then.
Miss Piggy is a modern woman who keeps a grain of romanticism whilst pursuing her career, and she will be always be in control of other people thanks to her 5G Huawei cell phone. Yes, Miss Piggy will have it all. Except the frog she loves, maybe. Having escaped a second wedding, courtesy of a defrocked minister – rather like scoring a goal and have it disallowed by a video replay -, Kermit admitted his feelings for her. “I miss you, I need you,” is about as romantic as he can get. What mugs we men are, always scared to commit, afraid to show our feelings. No wonder Miss Piggy’s third attempt to get Kermit passed the alter left him flustered. When asked how he felt about it, she described him as being, “in a state of shock,” the last time she saw him. What, weren’t they living together?
Kermit and Miss Piggy are both adults and professionals, but one may be more adult than the other, and much less professional.
But all good things come to an end, as the actress said to the Bishop. In 2015 Miss Piggy and Kermit officially broke up and kept their relationship purely professional. Which is what most men want, if you think about it – let’s have sex and keep it professional?
Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy grandads who appeared at the end of each show and preferred heckling from the theatre balcony to appreciating the talent of others, will no doubt revel in the never-ending saga between a frog who can’t declare his love, and a pig who can’t force him to marry her by becoming pregnant.
“I told you that marriage always ends badly,” says Statler.
“Because the end is never near enough to the wedding day.”
They both find that exceedingly funny. Typical men, I suppose – looking down from a position of superiority, and throwing unsolicited insults to married women in the audience. Maybe one day, they should both be locked away in a corona-free nursing home, if you can find one that is.