Having dipped her magic fingers into the lucrative business of music and fashion, former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham is now venturing into another domain that defines what it means to be human – sex. And it’s all fun and games and is a feminine answer to macho’s sex dolls. So girls, watch out for the new range of Spice Girls vibrators, distributed by Virgin, and coming to a Primark store near you.
The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, believed that if a woman misses an orgasm once in her life, it screws the hell out of her rationality. So Victoria, you’re on to a winner, because let’s face it guys, how many of us are that good between the sheets? The solution for women who don’t want to invest in one of Victoria’s streamlined bananas, but maintain their sanity and make us macho’s proud of ourselves, is to “fake it.” Don’t worry girls, most of us men can’t tell the difference anyway and, if you do it well, you won’t either.
If I were Victoria – which I’m not, I assure you – I would turn this adventure into a family business with her sisters. Give them one vibrator each, and the world’s their oyster. So without further ado, let me present you in avant-premiere, the entire Spice Vibrator range. There’s sure to be something for every woman, for every occasion.
Sister One – “Baby Spice”
This is the bottom of the range, but at €89 it’s a real bargain. Soft and non-abusive, the Baby Spice will perform when you want it to. It is for all those who want a bit of innocence in a one-night-stand. But beware, don’t forget that Baby Spice is exactly what it is – a baby. If you’re not careful, it can become messy.
Sister Two – “Ginger Spice”
“Ginger Spice” is a rare piece of technology that is – like all things ginger – far better on the inside than it looks on the outside. Ladies, beware because when Ginger Spice gets going, you’re in for an unforgettable experience. Combine its use with two glasses of Canada dry ginger ale and lemonade, and Nirvana will be in the bedroom with you.
Sister Three – “Scary Spice”
Dressed to kill, the Scary Spice warns you that its rubber spikes are there to make you submit. Not for the faint-hearted, but once you’ve tasted it, the addiction sets in. Not into spikes and rubber, but fangs and latex? No problem, it comes equipped with several outfits for all tastes, as long as it’s gothic.
Sister Four – “Sporty Spice”
Are you a busy person who doesn’t have time for herself? Then the Sporty Spice is for you. Small and compact, quick and efficient, it’s designed to be carried around with you wherever you go, and use it in that spare moment between two meetings. No one will notice, except you. Just make sure you don’t leave it behind when you finish.
Sister Five – “Posh Spice”
Love making isn’t only physical. It’s a moment of poetry, of riding Plato’s white horses that gallop through the clouds to reach the heavens. At €150, it’s not cheap, but total bliss has no price. With Posh Spice, you will have experienced infinity. You have left mortal human beings far behind. Handle Posh Spice with care, and you will discover the deepest secrets of what it means to be alive.
So there you have it, the woman’s answer to masculinity. All Victoria Beckham must do now is buy out pubs belonging to the Ei group and Wetherspoon, and she’ll really have grabbed men by the short and curlies.