Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again for “Call My Bluff”. And here’s your host, Theresa May.
Hello everybody, and welcome to this edition of “Call My Bluff”, a panel game in which three contestants give me a definition of a political word that I have never heard of. I must guess the true definition of the word. But I must be careful because the definition that I choose will determine the sort of policies that I will carry out, and the sort of country YOU will live in for decades to come. So without further ado let me introduce my three panellists: Nigel Farage, extinct leader of the even more extinct UKIP, “Don’t know where he’s gone” David Cameron, and “There’s no answer to that” Boris Johnson.
A this week’s word is: BREXIT.
Well Theresa, Brexit is synonymous with “exit” or “get out”, but only when applied to foreign nationals. You cannot brexit a British citizen, but you can brexit everybody else. We cannot brexit foreigners whilst still being a member of the EU, so we have to leave. Once we have left and brexited all the foreigners, it’s quite likely that the Brits living in the EU will be forced to return to the UK, or “brentered”. Brexit has nothing to do with economic sense, compassion or democracy. It’s brexit the outward looking and open UK, and brenter the new “I hate anything foreign” UK. I love it…
Thanks Nigel. David, your turn:
Well Theresa, Brexit refers to a political leader who uses a democratic process to increase his grip on his political party. Unfortunately it backfired because other members of his party took the opportunity to seize power and depose him. Current political chaos and uncertainty about the future are only short term side-effects. What the future holds for the UK nobody knows, but it’s going to be outside the EU. But who actually cares what it means? So long I can enjoy the peace and quiet of an early retirement. Brexit has also allowed the true anti-EU values of the Conservative party to be shown, whilst at the same time destroying all opposition parties. Brexit suits me fine, especially as I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
I wont beat about the bush and won’t even waffle as I usually do. I’ll get straight to the point as quickly as I can. No two ways about it. Brexit means “baloney” or “nonsense”. There’s in my very own personal opinion, which is mine, no better political party to carry out this baloney than ourselves. We’re the perfect match: a “nonsense” project carried out by a “balderdash” party. The very best of British. And let’s keep it that way…British. None of this Continental intellectual and compassionate trash. Brexit and grammar schools go so well together, like egg and bacon. “Yummie in my tummy”, I say.
Well, there you have it. Brexit is (1) a xenophobic and isolationist concept that makes no economic sense whatsoever, (2) a democratic coup serving internal political ambitions within the Conservative party, and (3) balony. What do you say, Theresa?
I’ll tell you what, all three definitions are correct.
Yep, ladies and gentlemen, the three definitions of Brexit suit Theresa May down to the ground. She’s absolutely right, Brexit really does mean Brexit, and that can mean just about anything.
Next week’s word Theresa May hasn’t heard of is: RESPONSIBILITY