Brexit Musings (10) – A Happy BreXmas To You Too, Mrs May


Now Theresa – May I call you Theresa? 

Thank you so much for your personal Christmas letter addressed to hundreds of thousands of poor innocent mugs like me, who couldn’t vote in a referendum that we never asked for. I hope you don’t  mind if I distort just a teeny-weeny little bit, your much thought about letter, in order to make it more understandable to long-term British expats, like myself. By the way, it’s funny that the letter never reached my doorstep, but made its way to Facebook, in an incognito sort of way. Maybe you cannot keep up with my free movement between countries. By the time my address has been entered in you databank, I’ve moved…Well, “c’est l’Europe“, as they say.


So I am delighted to announce that in concluding the first phase of the negotiations that is exactly what we have achieved

Do correct me if I’m confused, Theresa, but weren’t you on the Remain side, during the referendum? And now, you’re delighted at the outcome of a first phase of negotiations, that wasn’t even finished.


From the very beginning of the UK’s negotiations to leave the European Union I have been consistently clear…

How’s this for clarity? In the UK, there are Brexit politicians who are Remain politicians in disguise, false Remainers who are for Brexit, and a former PM who thinks that the present PM, who really didn’t want the job in the first place, is doing a great job of the job that she didn’t want. He started it all by calling a referendum that he didn’t have to call, disenfranchising voters who would have voted in his favour, and managed to vote the UK out of the EU, by the tiniest of majorities, which wasn’t really a majority, at all. 


 I know that the referendum result has caused considerable anxiety for many of you and your families.

No, Theresa, not at all. Well, actually, the first couple of nights were a little bit “iffy”, but then I decided that I was going to chain myself to the garden gate, in the event of being forced back to the UK. So, as far as I was concerned, problem solved, long ago.


…at the beginning of the negotiating process, I made it clear that any deal guaranteeing the rights of EU citizens living in the UK would be dependent on such an offer being reciprocated for our UK nationals in the remaining Member States.

Too all intents and purposes, you did a very good job. The only minor criticism, if I may, is that us Brits, east of Calais, were rather thinking on the lines of a status quo, not a bloody downgrade.


This agreement guarantees that your rights as residents in the EU will be protected in the Withdrawal Agreement…

But those citizens’ rights are up for grabs in Brexit – Part II. Strange, isn’t it, that you all took 18 months to disagree citizens’ rights, and then, out of the blue, at 2 o’clock in the morning, on a Friday, you all come up saying that citizens’ rights are done and dusted. Swept under the carpet, more likely. There are no bargaining chips anymore, only 1.5m French fries, ready to be “a salted” (should be “assaulted”, of course) by London and Brussels.


I know there are a few important issues that have yet to be concluded. We raised these concerns, including the ability of UK nationals living in the EU to retain certain rights if they move within the EU, but the EU was not ready to discuss them in this phase of the negotiations.

Nothing (apart from trade deals) stopped you, Theresa, from not accepting the agreement. But citizens’ rights become much more interesting, when tied to big business, and juicy trade deals. 


We will continue to raise these issues with the EU in the New Year.

Surely you meant, “raise the price of these issues”There will certainly be a market for free movement, this time next year. Free movement of Brexpats to France and Spain will be priceless. You may have a problem in sacrificing free movement to Latvia, though.


I will continue to push for the best possible deal for our nationals across the EU

This should read, “I will continue to push our nationals across the EU.” Much more exciting, don’t you think?


The constructive way in which these talks have been conducted gives me confidence that we will achieve a final deal that reflects the strong partnership between the UK and our European partners, and is in the mutual interest of citizens living across the continent.

Well, if you say so, Theresa. 80,000 pages of treaties and binding agreements in 15 months. That’s just under 200 pages per day, 7 days per week. Brexit’s a piece of cake. David Davis was right in saying that you don’t have to be clever for this (but it would help). There is a way, however, that you can achieve your impossible dream. All you have to do, is to rename your “Department For Exiting The European Union”, and Bob’s your uncle:



But if you thought that the plight of Brits in the EU – who have forgotten what it feels like to drive on the left – is bad, spare a thought for Persian cats residing in the UK. Who is not to say that Theresa May’s next step won’t be directed against those who, from Iran, are threatening to take over your good old British moggy’s sleeping basket. Let’s just hope that the European Court of Justice can protect them too.


I hope that you do have a nice Christmas, Theresa, and I wish you, all the best for 2018. If you think that renegotiating a complex web of endless treaties and norms, is elementary, think again. Brexit is not elementary.

Only this, is a lemon tree…

A lemon tree